Key Differentiations of NVC

1

Being Giraffe:
Inwardly, being is attitude, view, belief is done for it’s own sake

Doing Giraffe:
Outwardly, doing is behavior, strategy, a means to an end

2

Empathy:
My attention is completely on what is alive in the other person.

Sympathy:
My attention switches between what is a live in the other person and what is alive in me.

3

Interdependence:
Autonomous, in conjunction with… the attention is on needs.

Dependence or Independence:
(not) self-sufficient… in separation from…  the attention is on strategies

4

 Power with people:
The needs of all people involved matter. Decide together, inclusive. In a spirit of partnership.

Power over people:
My own needs matter most. Decide alone, exclusive, hierarchical

5

Appreciation:
Based on feelings and needs. Intention is to express and share what’s alive in me.

Approval, compliment, praise:
Based on moralistic judgments. Intention to steer human behavior.

6

Vulnerability:
Attention is on needs, readiness to feel. It takes strength to be vulnerable.

Weakness:
Attention is on moralistic judgments, resistance to feelings.

7

Choice:
Action is controlled from inside. Attention is on my own feelings and needs.

Rebellion or submission:
Reaction is controlled from outside. Attention is on the other person.

8

Observation:
What I experience directly with my senses. Description of what I seek, hear, feel, smell or taste.

Evaluation:
How I think about or evaluate what I experience with my senses.

9

Respect for Authority:
I see the other as a human being with needs. Attention is on the responsibility.

Fear of Authority:
I see the other as a representation of a function. Attention is on the power to punish or reward.

10

Feeling
Subjective, personal. Immediate reaction upon a sensory experience. Caused by a subjective value judgment. (“I need consideration”)

Interpretation/ Diagnosis/Analysis:
Objective, impersonal. I use objective judgments to assign meaning to my sensory experience. (“This is inconsiderate”)

11

Requests/strategies:
Concrete, specific, and doable behavior. What I would like to see be done.

Values and needs
General and abstract. What I need. What is important to me. What needs I like to see being met.

12

Request:
Attention is on needs. Intention is the needs of all people involved will be met. Allows choice. A “no” does not change the appreciation for that person. I trust my needs will be met.

Demand:
Attention is on strategies. Intention is the other does what I say. Does not allow choice. A “no” leads to judgment and diminished appreciation for that personal. I am worried that my needs will not be met.

13

Self-discipline:
I decide. Freedom of choice.

Obedience:
The other decides. No freedom of choice.

14

Cause:
Perceptible through feelings. Needs and values. What I need. Subjective.

Stimulus:
Facts that I can perceive with my senses. Observable behavior. What someone does or says. Objective

15

Value-judgments:
I decide if something is in harmony with my values and needs.

Moralistic judgments:
I decide what is good or bad, right or wrong.

16

Protective use of force:
Attention is on needs. Intention is to meet needs

Punitive/rewarding use of force:
Attention is on moralistic judgments. Intention is to control/steer the behavior.

17

Natural:
Based on feelings and needs. It is familiar because it is in harmony with our heart.

Habitual/normal:
Based on moralistic judgments. It is familiar because most people do it and we are used to it.

18

Life-connected:
My life energy and attention is on observations.  Intention is on meeting needs.

Life alienated:
Attention is on moralistic judgments and evaluations. Intention is on controlling, punishment and rewarding.

19

Empathic sensing:
I want to experience the other to create connection. Intention is to create contact and connection. And the focus is on presence.

Intellectual Guessing.
I want to know something about the other to create connection. Intention is to create safety through knowing. Attention is on the past.

20

Consensus:
Attention is on needs. Intention is to find a solution everybody is satisfied with.

Compromise:
Attention is on strategies. Intention is to find a solution that everybody can live with.

21

Persisting:
Powerful dedication for my own needs with consideration for the needs of others. Focus on quality of the relationship and connection.

Demanding:
Powerful dedication for my own needs without consideration for the needs of others. Focus is on solutions.

22

Giraffe honesty:
Based on observations, feelings, needs and requests. Intention is to share what is alive in me.

Jackal honesty:
Based on moralistic judgments. Intention is to share my judgments.

23

Love as a need:
What do I need? Answered out of a needs vocabulary

Love as a feeling:
What do I feel? Answered out of a feeling vocabulary.

24

Self-empathy:
Attention is on feelings. I own the responsibility for my feelings. Readiness to feel my feelings. Gives me strength.

Self-pity:
Attention is on evaluations. I don’t own the responsibility for my feelings. Resistance to feel my feelings. Takes away my strength.

25

Idiomatic “Giraffe”/NVC:
What I say when my attention naturally and unconsciously in on the essential, what is alive in myself and the other, and what do I want and what the other wants.

Classical “Giraffe/NVC:
Consciously uses the four steps to guide my attention on the observations, feelings, needs and requests.

26

Guessing:
The focus in on the present feeling, the attitude is exploration. I want to understand

Knowing:
Focus is on the past and thinking. Attitude is I want to classify and categorize. I have understood.

27

Understand:
Relates to feelings and needs.

Agree:
Relates to behavior strategies and requests.

28

Guessing what is alive in another person:
I make myself vulnerable. There is equality Focus is on closeness and connections.

Ask what is alive in another person:
I keep a low profile. Risk of subordination and distance.

29

Scream in “Giraffe”
I scream feelings and needs. Powerful dedication for my own needs.

Scream in “Jackal”
I scream moralistic judgments.

30

Saying No in Giraffe:
Based on my needs. Inclusive and in connection with others. Intention is to meet everybody’s needs.

Saying No in “Jackal”
Based on moralistic judgments, rules and standards. Exclusive. Intention is to have my will or to meet my own needs.